Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
