I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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