He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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