My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
