Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Only a mothe r could love this liver
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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