Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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