fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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