if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
is wine microwaveable?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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