Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
