Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
