I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
