Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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