so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
