My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
