I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
