I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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