Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
