In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
