Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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