So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
