Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
