the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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