I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
