I seem to have left my pride at pride
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
