i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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