cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
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