If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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