I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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