i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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