it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
