I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
