Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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