The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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