Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
