hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
