Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
