Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
