you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
