Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize