I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
