but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
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