I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
