Swine flu. Run for my life!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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