Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
