My brain says no but my pants say off.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
