the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
