Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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