Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
