i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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