if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
