Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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