Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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