I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
