a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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