News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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