The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
