I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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