Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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