my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
