I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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