I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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