Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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