Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
