Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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