I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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