god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
