I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
